


Metanoia (2/2)

by kissed



Category: Jin Akanishi, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 21:42:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1873533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissed/pseuds/kissed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! I hope you liked this fiction as much as I enjoyed writing it. I know I said I'll post this on Monday but it's now Thursday and I'm really sorry I'm late (again.) I hope it's worth the wait and to the sweet people who commented on the first fic, thank you! I'll reply when I get around it! Please feel free to leave comments here too :) Thanks for reading! <3<a id="cutid1-end" name="cutid1-end"></a></p>
    </blockquote>





	Metanoia (2/2)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope you liked this fiction as much as I enjoyed writing it. I know I said I'll post this on Monday but it's now Thursday and I'm really sorry I'm late (again.) I hope it's worth the wait and to the sweet people who commented on the first fic, thank you! I'll reply when I get around it! Please feel free to leave comments here too :) Thanks for reading! <3

part 2 of Metanoia

-

It was December.

The first time he met Kame.

The first time his boss asked for their undivided attention and how his head pounded so hard because of last night’s drinking session with Yamashita.

Jin also remembers thinking if Kame’s hands were as warm as his smile because his was just too cold that time, the pounding headache did not help either.

It’s also December when Kame leaves without a word, _disappeared_. Jin can’t bring himself to be in the Christmas cheer, spirit or whatever. He’s just too lonely, his thoughts were preoccupied by Kamenashi Kazuya.

If he’s okay, why did Kame leave, if he loved Jin as much as he expressed? They were dating right? Even though they did not make it official by putting a label on it or let alone, talk about it, they were exclusive. Jin knew that, Kame knew that and leaving like that isn’t what Jin deserved.

No, Kamenashi is just a dick.

-

Jin,

Today I saw a funeral happening just beside someone’s house I visited. She said it was a close neighbor and that the person who died was a sweet little boy who always played by the sandbox that they built for her kids.

She lets them play. Her kids and that little boy, she told me that little boy always protected her kid whenever someone would bully her.

My friend’s kid is crying, Jin.

She lost someone special.

Did you cry when I left Jin? Am I special to you?

Kamenashi

-

The whole month after Kamenashi leaves, No one tries to talk to Jin at the office.

Rather, Jin talked to no one when the news got out that energetic _kawaii_ Kame-kun resigned and that Jin doesn’t know a thing about it. Emailed the document to their boss and told them to stay healthy and happy. When Jin learns about that the whole office turns into a gossip place, all whispers and murmurs of _why did Kamenashi leave and why doesn’t Jin know?_ After his exchange with Haruna, after he reassured her. Jin doesn’t owe them any explanations, they could fuck it.

All except Haruna who apologizes profusely, that somehow interfered or something like that. Jin stopped listening to her pleas after lunch break.

Jin felt pathetic.

And why the hell does his boss receive any recognition or piece of information that Kamenashi is leaving and not him? Jin is the boyfriend (well, something like that), Jin who he wakes up to, Jin who laughs at his stupid lame jokes about pineapples and soy sauce.

Jin who he loves and who loves him.

He feels betrayed.

Jin feels like Kame doesn't trust him enough to at least tell him why he left. He could take it, of course it would hurt a little, maybe he would be a little distant but Jin would take it maturely, Jin would take Kamenashi’s dumping like a man.

He would rather harbor painful feelings than this. Than pawing the empty space in his chest, if there is still someone to wait for and if everything that happened was supposed to be trashed.

Jin doesn’t know what to feel or where to go.

Haruna gives him sad smiles every time she passes by Jin’s cubicle.

Jin asks for a month long leave.

-

Akanishi,

 

You’re perfect.

 

Kamenashi

-

Jin withdraws half of his savings and visits his family. Tells them he’s going to see the world in 30 days and they smile and support him because they don’t know what happened but they know Jin will be okay. In some sort of way, Jin always knew how to make out alive.

He doesn’t go very far. Turns out “seeing the world” meant going around Korea, Thailand and Vietnam.

Jin buys post cards, souvenirs and eats a lot of food. And when night falls, he goes out in the foreign land and goes to party in their local clubs, gets amazed by Thaiiland’s ping pongs and meets people who aren't Japanese and who doesn’t look anything like Kamenashi Kazuya.

He fails though. Because every person who walks up to him or he walks up to, he envisions Kame’s smiling face, his breath kissing his cheeks instead of someone else’s.

Jin fails.

So Jin goes home.

-

 

仁,

 

I really really like you.

 

和也

 

-

Jin wakes up in the middle of the night due to the continuous banging on his front door. He grabs the baseball bat his brother gave him, it’s the pricey kind, alloy and all that shit baseball enthusiast would love to sit and chat about. Jin’s brother knows he doesn’t give a fuck about baseball but gives it to him on his birthday anyway.

He opens the door, gripping the baseball bat tight and ready to whack the shit out of the burglar or whoever might be disrupting Jin’s sweet slumber.

Jin ends up dropping the bat immediately, Kamenashi’s tear stained face greets him.

“Nice bat,” Kame says with a forced smile.

“Thanks,” is what Jin replies and lets Kame in his home and throws the baseball bat carelessly into the couch and tugs on Kame’s sleeve, leading him to the bedroom because Jin’s just too damn sleepy to talk in the couch.

Jin lays him down and fluffs his pillows for him, finds Kame’s hand under the covers and asks what happened with his eyes closed. Kame hums and Jin waits.

“Ran ran away,” Ran. Kame’s dog that he loves so much, spoiled too much, ran away.

“Maybe he was getting sick of his dog food,” Kame says sullenly.

“But you just changed to the gourmet one right? The beef something.. something? Right?” Kame blinks at him and then says a matter of factly.

“ _Onion and beef steak_ , Jin,” he corrects.

“Whatever. Point is he’s too spoiled, leaving like that when you were totally in love with that little devil,” Jin pouts and nuzzles his nose in Kame’s neck. He can feel Kame’s Adam’s apple drop and ascend, he’s chuckling. Jin can definitely smell the strong scent of the alcohol, it’s lingering.

“Yuichiro..” Kame drifts off to sleep and Jin pats him until he’s snoring and safe in his arms.

The next morning, they ditch work and Jin comforts Kame by feeding him holds his hair when he wakes to throw up, feed him aspirins and makes him the strongest coffee. Jin doesn’t ask why he got drunk; he waits until Kame comes to him.

And when Kame does, he tells Jin he’s scared.

Scared of how fast his life is passing by, like it’s slipping through his fingers and he isn't enjoying whatever he has right now. Everything is in fast forward and Kame doesn’t know if he can keep up. Jin is worried but he comforts Kame nonetheless.

Jin holds Kame and tells him comforting words, holds him until the headache goes away, holds him until Kame says he’ll be fine.  
Kame leaves the part about being afraid of Jin.

-

Jin keeps dodging the invitations of his office mates.

He says he’s got other things to do, errands to run, a quick trip to the bank or maybe a new book to read. But this one, after avoiding them relentlessly, he’s been held captive by his office mates and forced to partake in one of their Friday rituals of drinking beer and smoking cheap cigarettes in the standing bar behind their office building.

It’s okay.

It’s not a long way to his house. He can slip out when he’s stayed at least thirty minutes and since he’s been spending a lot of time in the house instead of going out he’s got a lot of extra money stacked in his wallet.

So Jin stays. Maybe drinks a little more than he’s supposed to or maybe more because Takahashi-san and Minemura-san had to hold him by the armpits and hail a cab for him.

They don’t talk about what happened last night when he gets to the office with a pounding headache and darkest of the dark circles under his eyes.

Kame’s replacement comes that day.

On Kame’s first day, Jin was also hung over.

Jin doesn’t give any of his attention and when his boss introduces him to the newcomer, Jin thinks he’s too eager and cheerful he wants to punch the living day lights out of him because Kame _will_ come back. He has to and he wants to punch his boss too for giving away Kame’s spot and he nods when his boss is done introducing them and leaves the newbie to Anika.

Jin misses Kame.

-

 

Jin,

 

*”Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your Life and as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.”

 

P.S

I’ve been watching too much Grey’s Anatomy.

 

Kame

-

Jin starts receiving Kame’s letters after his month long leave.

A stack of envelopes awaits him inside his mailbox. Some bills that he’d rather deal with later, subscriptions to magazines, food delivery advertisement and right there, in the bottom of the stack Jin recognizes Kame’s ugly loopy handwriting.

**赤西 仁**

He stares at it.

If it’s real, if it’s really for him.

It is.

Jin throws the other irrelevant envelopes on the kitchen counter and fumbles for the letter opener, he slashes the envelope hastily and slides out the paper and reads it with shaking hands.

_Jin,_

__

 

_I’m sorry._

__

 

_Kame_

 

There’s a tear that rolls down Jin’s cheek. He still doesn’t have that explanation that he wanted but this is okay, for now this will do.  
There’s no return address though, Kame still doesn’t want to found but this gives Jin at least a fire to ignite the hope in his chest that was slowly fading.

Jin will wait.

-

Kame, Jin learns, talks too much.

He’s got a say in everything. Comments on _every little thing_ that’s happening in the world. It sometimes drives Jin nuts but somehow, in some weird abstract way, he finds it fucking endearing.

So when that one day where Kame loses his voice, Jin buys him alphabet soup and asks him to spell out what he really wants to say the most.

Kame doesn't talk to Jin the whole dinner time because he's too busy picking out the letters and forming them in his plate like a little child. And when Kame’s done, he doesn’t wait for Jin to finish he leaves him behind the dining table. Jin is collecting the plates and there, he sees Kame’s sentence spelled out in soggy alphabet noodles.

 

 

 

Jin smiles and leaves the plates piled up in the sink.

He sinks himself to Kame’s side and kisses the side of his throat, like he’s kissing it to make it better, so that Kame could talk again and Kame gets it.

Sometimes they didn’t have to exchange words to understand each other.

"There won't be,” Jin says.

-

Aka,

 

I hate endings.

 

Kame.

-

There’s this huge blank space two blocks away from Jin’s apartment.

The city uses it as some kind of event’s place, concert venue and everything else that involves a huge crowd and yelling and all the things that Jin hates.

He isn’t particularly happy when it comes to crowds. He gets claustrophobic and OCD whenever he’s in one. Too much squealing, too much intimacy with people he doesn’t know and too much people in one fucking place.

Jin doesn’t know why he decided to go to this concert though. He’s all alone and there’s a fuck load of people and he’s getting bumped and shoved and he feels like the walls are closing on him and that the noise of the people make him dizzy.

Kame used to drag him to places like this. He was the opposite of Jin, he loved people. Loved being around them, loved amusing them. Jin endures everything because Kame is there, he keeps Jin sane and secure that nothing will happen – his security blanket.

Jin came today for Kame.

Because maybe. Just maybe, Kame will come and take his hand and save him from all this madness.

He doesn’t though. Jin goes home with a dizzy head and an even dizzier heart.

-

Jin,

 

Are you still waiting?

 

Kame

-  
Yamashita kicks Jin out from his house at 10 in the evening when he receives a text from Cindy, the blonde girl with blue eyes that he met the other night at the club he frequents. With Yamashita’s limited English, Jin doesn’t know how he’d managed to get Cindy to come over. Yamashita works in mysterious creepy ways.

“ You've got to go out Jin, get laid! Just like me, love you,” Yamashita tells him before he closes the door. Jin knows he doesn’t mean to be a dick but in reality, he knows he is one right now for choosing to get laid than spending time comforting his lame heartbroken best friend.

Jin starts to walk and takes the long way around. It starts to rain, little droplets wetting his fringe and soon his shirt and when he’s a block away from his house, it _pours._

He doesn’t run though, he’s wet already and he’s ruined all the shit he’s got inside his pocket so he doesn’t bother. But when he’s half way to his house, he sees a black figure standing at his door frame and looking down then pacing back and forth.

Jin squints and his heart starts to beat faster.

More like pounding. He can’t hear his own heartbeat.

10 steps. Jin wants to think it’s a stalker.

8 steps. Jin forces his mind that it’s a stalker.

 _5 steps_. No, no. I’m not ready.

 _3 steps._ Jin stops.

_One last step._

“Kamenashi?” Jin whispers to himself, his heart never felt so light.

-

Jin,

 

We both knew.

I always knew.

You always knew.

_Wait for me._

 

Kazuya

-

“Jin,” Kame’s voice is like ice and a warm pack in Jin’s ears. It’s light and airy and relieved. Jin doesn’t know what to make out of it, maybe he’s thinking too much. These days, he tortures his mind too much.

Kame steps closer, Jin doesn’t move an inch. He can’t, not when he’s waited for this moment.

“Kame, _it hurts,_ ” Jin breathes out, his palms over his chest and he’s crying. He doesn’t even know how it happened but he’s crying and his heart is on his sleeve and Kamenashi Kazuya is right there, in front of him. And he’s crying.

“Jin,” Kame’s eyes are sorrowful and apologetic and Jin doesn’t know what to make out it again. He cries harder, fat tears falling and Kame finally walks closer and wipes it away with his thumb.

Kame’s touch still feels the same.

“I know, I’m sorry,”Kame’s hands are all over Jin, warming him despite the wet clothes they both have.

-

When they’re dressed and warm again, cradling cups of homemade tea and sitting normally at Jin’s couch, Kame doesn’t move or talk because he knows he’s not in the position to be. Jin observes him from his peripheral vision and his fingers are shaking.

The rain is too cold.

But the atmosphere inside the room is much much colder with Kame silent and not moving.

The silence stretches until Kame gathers up all his courage and Jin doesn’t cry anymore, he won’t cry. He’s stronger than this.

“Remember when I thought that Ran left me?” Jin nods, Kame’s hands makes its way to Jin’s.

“You were scared,”Jin locks his lonely fingers with Kame’s.

Kame nods and tightens his hold.

“I was scared of you,” Kame says, his head low and Jin is confused.

“I was falling for you so fast I thought I was losing myself. I was too dependent on you, Jin. I was scared, I’m sorry, I was a coward,” Jin doesn’t really know what to make out of this. Kame is afraid of him? Kame loves-

“Jin, I love you,” Kame is crying now. Staining his perfect face and Jin wants to brush those tears away but he’s too busy contemplating everything, letting everything sink in his veins. Kame is in love with him.

“I’m back now, Jin. I’m here,” Kame’s arms are around him cradling his lithe frame. He’s warmer and fuller and Kame’s here with him after all the time spent, after a year of waiting. Kame is back in his arms.

“I love you,” Jin blurts out. Catches Kame off guard, he’s got his fingers so tight with Kame’s.

“But give me a good reason to trust you again, Kame. Something, anything. Please,” Jin’s desperate. Kame steps back and looks at Jin’s deep brown eyes and smiles.

“I hate endings,” Kame says softly and kisses Jin’s cheek.

It’s enough.

Kame might have taken the long way around to Jin’s heart but he got there. Kame is here in Jin’s arms, for a very very very long time and they’re happy.

Kame will always be enough.

-

_Because you are not here,_  
Can’t see anything in the world where you’re not there.  
Nothing matters.  
So now I’m sitting in the darkness,  
Missing the life that you brought to my life  
And it just ain’t fair. 

\- 赤西 仁, **Seasons**

 

-

*A quote from Grey's Anatomy :)

 **Author's Notes:** Hi! I hope you liked this fiction as much as I enjoyed writing it. I know I said I'll post this on Monday but it's now Thursday and I'm really sorry I'm late (again.) I hope it's worth the wait and to the sweet people who commented on the first fic, thank you! I'll reply when I get around it! Please feel free to leave comments here too :) Thanks for reading!  <3


End file.
